Volume 43      Number 2                                                                                  October 2000

Steven Ambrose once said: “Friendship is different from all other human relations. Unlike acquaintanceship, friendship is based on love. Unlike lovers and married couples, friendship knows neither criticism or resentment. Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on contract, so is marriage. But friendship is freely entered into, freely given, freely exercised. Friends never cheat each other or take advantage or lie. Friends glory in each other’s successes and are downcast by the failures. Friends minister to each other. Friends give to each other, worry about each other, die for one another. It is rarely achieved but at its height, friendship is an ecstasy.”

As you just read this, did a particular friend come to mind? I am sure we can all visualize the picture of the friend who fits the above description. As we get older, hopefully we can all say we add more friends. But for most people, I imagine they only have a handful of really close friends. Many times, different walks in life and distance separates friends. Communication may be limited to a few letters, phone calls or e-mails a year. One of the beauties of a friend is that no matter how many days, months or years it has been since you last saw them, the conversation and friendship picks up right where it left off when paths cross again. Let’s take a moment and analyze the Ambrose quotation compare it to God’s standards for friends and friendship.

1. “Unlike acquaintanceship, friendship is based upon love.” The two main Greek words translated as love in the New Testament are agape: “For God so (agapeo) loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16 KJV) and phileo: “One of them, the disciple whom Jesus (phileo) loved, was reclining next to him.” (John 13:23 NIV) While this passage does not identify that disciple, we know from reading the surrounding verses that it was the Apostle John. We are told in the Bible that we are to have Agape love for God, Christ, our family, our spouse, brothers and sisters in Christ and even our enemies. It is a love that is born out of utmost respect. This is the type of love wherein we want what is best for each other from a spiritual perspective. As an example, young people dating often confuse love with feelings derived from the pleasures of holding hands and being affectionate with one another. If not properly channeled these feelings can be turned not into love, but lust. However, if we truly have agape love for that person, we will want what God wants, and that certainly cannot be equated with lust in the “back seat of a car”. On the other hand, is phileo love. It is a love born out of tender affection. It is still a type of love that we should have for God: “If any man (phileo) love not the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be Anathema Maranatha.” (1 Corinthians 16:22 KJV), but is usually used in the New Testament in the sense of our friendship feelings for one another. To summarize love, we should have agape love for everyone, while phileo love in combination with agape love, is reserved for those we form the closest of relationships with. Such was the relationship Christ had with John in whom he entrusted the care of his Mother even as He was dying (John 19:26-27)!
   
   
2. “Unlike lovers and married couples, friendship knows neither criticism or resentment.” We like to think that our friends will always be there to support us and we certainly need people in our lives to give us this support when needed. However, should friends withhold criticism even when we are in the wrong? Consider the story of David and Bathsheba. We are all familiar with the adultery and sin in that dark chapter of David’s life. God sent Nathan to David. No doubt he was also a friend of David’s. Nathan proceeded to tell David the story about a rich man who took a poor man’s lamb to feed a traveler instead of using one of many from his own flock. You can read David’s reaction and Nathan’s rebuke for his royal friend in 2 Samuel 12:7-9. A friend who has your best interests at heart may have to give you unpleasant advice at times, but you know it is for your own good. An enemy, by contrast, may whisper sweet words and happily send you on your way to ruin. We tend to hear what we want to hear, even if an enemy is the only one who will say it. A friend’s advice, no matter how painful, is much better. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs. 27:6 NIV) “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs. 27:17 NIV)
   
   
3. “Friends minister to each other, give to each other, worry about each other, die for one another.” “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.” ( John 15:12-14 NIV) We are to love one another as Jesus loved us, and he loved us enough to give his life for us. We may not have to die for someone, but there are other ways to practice sacrificial love:
   
   listening, helping encouraging, and giving of ourselves.
   
   

If we don’t have very many friends, maybe it is because we are not “a friend”. Dale Carnegie once said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.” Solomon once said: “A man [that hath] friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend [that] sticketh closer than a brother.” (Proverbs. 18:24 KJV) Loneliness is everywhere - many people feel cut off and alienated from others. We all need friends who will stick close, listen, care and offer help when it is needed, both in good times and bad. Instead of wishing you could find a true friend, seek to become one. There are people who need your friendship. If you find yourself wondering why you don’t have more friends consider the following:

1. Are you genuinely interested in potential friends’ challenges and needs?
2. When a friend speaks, do you really listen?
3. Do you keep your promises and can you be trustworthy?
4. Do you respond quickly when they need your help?
5. Do you seek only to give a quick answer or lend a hand for help, or do you seek a long-term friendship?

There are people in this world who need a true friend; they need your friendship. Ask God to reveal them to you, and then take on the challenge of being a true friend.

The one true friend we can always count on is Jesus Christ. As in the old song we often sing, “What a friend we have in Jesus.” Are you Jesus’ friend? Is Jesus your friend? While researching this article, I rediscovered that there are actually two Greek words translated in the New Testament for friend. So far, the friend we have discussed in this article is from the Greek word philos {fee’-los} and means: 1) friend, to be friendly to one, wish him well 1a) a friend 1b) an associate 1c) he who associates familiarly with one, a companion 1d) one of the bridegroom’s friends who on his behalf asked the hand of the bride and rendered him various services in closing the marriage and celebrating the nuptials. This word is used in the following passage: “And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.” (James 2:23 KJV) The second Greek word used in the New Testament for friend is hetairos- 1) a comrade, mate, partner 2) in kindly address. Jesus used this word of Judas as he was about to be betrayed: “And Jesus said unto him, Friend, wherefore art thou come?” (See Matt. 26:49-50 KJV)

Now that we understand the difference between these words, I will ask the question again. Is Jesus your friend, or is he merely an acquaintance? Which word will Jesus use to address you on the day of Judgment, friend as defined in Abraham’s relationship with God or that of Judas?